IDEATRON see what gabe thinks.

APPLAUSE AS SELF EXPRESSION

Though I paid to see the above pictured comedian perform, it was the behavior of the crowd that captured my fancy last night. Sporadically through the evening, what should have been applause for the entertainer’s act was stealthily replaced by announcements of some audience members’ predictable personalities.

When he made a joke about religion, for example, atheists laughed a little extra hard… not because it was a little extra funny, but because they’re atheists. And what better way to come out of the nihilist closet than at a comedy show? When he joked about forgetting the Pope’s real name, 15 people with a theology inferiority complex actually screamed at the stage “Joseph (Whatever)!!!” As a result, we all knew just how much NPR these people really listen to. And upon his simple mention of Apple, a few hundred people started actually cheering. It wasn’t a joke. It was even a sentence yet. But apparently it WAS an opportunity for Apple users to momentarily steal the show and tell a captive audience, “Wooooooooo!” (translation: I like Apple). And the jokes with obscure references… sigh. I wanted to eat glass every time 3 people laughed excessively hard so everyone around them would think, “I wish I hadn’t dropped out of grad school so I could get that joke too.”

The problem with this kind of behavior is that it annoys me. The somewhat less important problem is that it’s parasitic to the performance and it’s disgustingly self-serving. Applause and laughter are primal, instinctive responses. It’s what a comedian goes for and it’s what we owe the good ones. When it’s calculated and used for trivial personal showoffery, it metaphorically fills our stomachs with glass.

Because it’s not your show: applause as self expression = no.

After a hard-fought battle between Jesse and Mari, right to the last minute, I am happy to say I will no longer have Clerks II in my possession. Just look at this savage volley, worth 3 points each:

In the end, Jesse pulled off his mask revealing a bare skull-head, turned towards Mari, and blew from his gaping mandible a blaze hotter than a thousand suns, engulfing Mari and officially ending the contest. Fatality.

The next Terrible Prize contest is coming soon, with brand new ways to make you dance for crap!

This could be yours. Find out how.

What it means: “Though I’m obviously paying only cursory attention to the sounds my mouth makes, the general idea is that this conversation is ending on a positive, service-oriented note.”

What you’re really saying: “I know this script by heart, almost.”

When to say it: Anytime you want to end a conversation, say this to feel courteous yet unburdened of the weight of sincerity. It is important to leave no gaps in your delivery, as a cunning opponent will use this opportunity to resurrect the expiring dialogue, thereby exposing you to the possibility of actually providing further help. Try it at dinner parties (after dinner), conference calls, and funerals.

UNHIDING MY GRIEVANCE

I was dabbling in Microsoft Excel (read: erasing all joy from my life) one day, when I stumbled upon a chilling command in the Format menu I dared not execute: UNHIDE. The item’s Orwelliance is twofold… threefold if you stretch your sense of humor to Leno-like extremes, and fourfold if you’re really into folding. FOLD ONE: In 1984, my favorite of 3 total novels I have read in my life, Orwell wrote of a dystopian future in which the intricate and whimsical beauties of our language were purged in favor of thought-controlling, expressionless communication. Bad was replaced with “ungood”, terrible became “plusungood”, and egregious spawned “doubleplusungood*”. It’s easy to imagine the blatantly subversive options reveal, display, show, expose, and the obstreperous evince being replaced in one steel-toed stomp with the cold, gray non-word unhide. FOLD TWO: There’s a certain creepiness about “unhiding” something. It’s like Microsoft is saying, “We know what you are concealing. Take this opportunity to purify your covetous ego and seek forgiveness.” FOLD THREE: Something funny about the parallels between Bill Gates and Big Brother!!!

OK enough balderdashery, plz explain why Microsoft made up “unhide” when there are tons of real words I like more.

*disputed

ANNOUNCING Jason Leimgruber

Check out BORED’s new featured artist Jason Leimgruber. His amalgamation of constrained creativity and the patterns of human experience has produced a unified series that is at once gracefully soothing and interminably active. That itchy sensation you feel is just your paradigm shifting… don’t worry. This can be treated at home with a glass of bordeaux and a half-hour of rigorous chin stroking with your most readily available postmodern philosopher.

What it means: “Let’s not discount the possibility that a supernatural force is behind my poor behavior.”

What you’re really saying: “The chances of me getting away with this are slim, but I will try anything.”

When to say it: In response to any question beginning with “Why did you…?” This works especially well in church. Note, you’ll have more success using this quip in a corporate or domestic environment than, say, a legal one.

What on Earth could this statement possibly mean?

He believed in it so much, he said it twice. The second time he leaned into the mic and spoke s l o w l y. Our keynote speaker at last night’s ADDY Awards 2008, was David Milenthal, a saucy 114 year old former pundit and business owner from the Columbus area. I was thrilled to hear him talk about himself for the thirty minutes preceding this most profound statement, but apparently not as thrilled as he was. He got to tell himself (us) about how to behave socially to reach success. He reflected on how rich he is, then modestly relayed how slightly less rich he actually is. He reminded us wisely (and without getting “political”) that it doesn’t matter who we vote for, as long as that candidate is one of two specific candidates he mentioned by name. He imparted the knowledge that formal education is only marginally useful, while having a dad in a bowling league or the seat-of-your-pants ability to chat a random topic for 5 minutes could take you, well… as I surmised, to the stage of a hotel auditorium to self-indulgently keynote a local awards show with your fuzzily relevant life story.

OK, I’m giving this guy a pretty hard time. The speech was all-right. He polished a couple of wise nuggets. But it was mostly boring. Except—EXCEPT—for the one claim that haunts me to this day. Brace yourself.

“Green is the next Internet.”

Again.

“GREEN IS THE NEXT INTERNET.”

I repeated it to myself, out loud, a hundred times on the way home. I concluded that THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Forget about context. Honestly, this remark effectively disintegrated all context from the face of the Earth; I really have no idea what he was talking about at the time. That said, I can’t invent context that would make sense of this. The INTERNET, a revolutionary communication medium and content delivery system, will—somehow—evolve into, or be replaced by, a vaguely-defined set of principles for a 50 year old environmentalist movement (How old is the Internet?). I tried to get it, if only because I was intrigued. It was like a mystery from Lost. I brainstormed “what ifs” for a while and talked it over with the wife and friends. In fact, I would have written this blog last night, but I couldn’t figure out how to distribute it to my readers on A BRANDED IDEOLOGY FOR ENVIRONMENTAL CONSERVATIONISM.

I truly believe, and I feel some remorse for saying this, then slightly less remorse for saying this about a rich guy, that a man in the twilight of his career was trying to make a statement of such profundity that it would become his legacy. “He’s the only one who saw it coming!” They might say. He sees the Internet as a social fad that has become an integral part of everything we do, and perhaps he predicts the Green Movement will do the same. If this view, from 600 lightyears into space, is what he meant, I’ll concede a little bit. A LITTLE bit. He’s clearly wrong… but at least it’s strung together enough to cover his rear end.

The truth is, the Internet is the most significant change in human behavior since… eh, I don’t know; since we started living in cities? Since the builder-machine could defeat the muscle-man? Whatever; it is absolutely not a fad. It’s not a facet of human existence, it is an important piece of our giant social bridge to the future. The future where everyone has a pet tree and wears recycled paper underwear. I guess.

He threw a dart, and broke a window with this one. There is no comparison between ‘Green’ and ‘The Internet’ that any average human could make. We’re not even talking apples and oranges here, we’re talking apples and the Pacific Ocean. Apples and farts. Apples and the works of Chuck Klosterman.

So, since I’m not an average human being, I’ll hand it over to you. Maybe you were there and remember context. Maybe you can conjure up a genius interpretation. Or maybe you are laughing too. In the comments section below, plz explain why ‘green is the next internet’.

GETTING IT WRONG

There’s nothing quite like conceiving a big, clever, ego-affirming, and ultimately wrong idea. My advice: never get so confident about your work that you’re numb to the punch of obviousness in your golden grill. Do some research before you invest in an idea, or at least before you present it, or FOR GOD’S SAKE PLEASE AT LEAST before you go live. As my eagle-eyed and thoroughly professional friend Dave Snowball pointed out, sometimes even infallible juggernauts like Dell get it horribly, excruciatingly, hilariously wrong. Because Benjamin Franklin was not a president: getting it wrong = no.

What it means: “The relationship between space and time is a topic I’ve struggled with in the past.”

What you’re really saying: “I’m a genius, but not the type of genius you hate.”

When to say it: Interviews, first dates, negotiating your release from alien captors (it’s the intergalactic equivalent of “I’m a nobody. You don’t need me.”)